He says I am a paradox.
People always say that. Normally they mean it is paradoxical that a feminist and a 'strong woman' like me could be submissive. Let a man walk all over her like that. But I don't see any paradox there. It's just sex. You don't have to re-enact all your political views in the bedroom do you? If so, I expect the Christian Right and the environmentalists have a pretty dull time in the sack.
But he means something else. I know. The way his eyes bore into me the way he told me to look at him, but I couldn't. The way I suddenly got embarrassed when I was undressing and stopped until he told me to go on. He knows that there is a part of me that just doesn't want to do it. That is so shy I cannot quite bear to be exposed like this, naked and vulnerable in front of him. And yet I keep coming back, keep turning up in those heels I can't really walk in. Keep bending over. Expectant.
He says I am a paradox and he is right. But paradoxes can be hot, can't they?
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Yep, the scene stops at the bedroom door (or the front door if you're using the stairs). I do worry about people who want to do D/s 24/7 though, because then it does have a political implication.
ReplyDeleteI also don't think that feminism and SM are incompatible. But I do think a lot of straight SM is misogynistic; I prefer LGBT writings on it such as Pat Califia and Mark Thompson and Raven Kaldera, who talk about exchanges of power and energy, and realise that scenes are an elaborate game, rather than assuming that there is something gendered about who gets to play Top.
Thanks for your comments! I don't know if a lot of straight s and m is mysoginistic: I am not sure if you mean books, films, photos, blogs...? I wish more straight men especially would write about s and M and I wouldnt want to inhibit them from doing so.
ReplyDeleteWell my experience is maybe a bit out of date. I haven't played with hetero people for a very long time.
ReplyDeletesome of us are quite nice! x
ReplyDeleteI used to think that BDSM was about letting a man walk all over me, and therefore mad bad feminist wrongsies... then I went to "its just sex"... these days I'm a bit more "getting my sexual needs met is a feminist act". Talking to my partner about what my needs, wants, desires fights patriarchy because women aren't supposed to have sexual needs according to the hetero-normative script... and talking about my sexuality to me challenges that script and I can't be replicating patriarchy if I'm doing that. My partner doesn't get to spank me and tie me up and have his wicked way with me because he is in possession of a penis and I am not. He gets to do those things because I want him to and I trust him.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm with scherezade: I prefer LGBT writings on it such as Pat Califia and Mark Thompson and Raven Kaldera, who talk about exchanges of power and energy, and realise that scenes are an elaborate game, rather than assuming that there is something gendered about who gets to play Top.
I prefer a dancing metaphor to a game metaphor though, but I have found more useful thoughts in queer theory which to me seems to be trying to take gender out of sex than in a lot of feminist theory which seems to reinforce patriarchy by maintaining the link between the physical act of sex and gender stereotypes...
hi thanks for your comments! I agree queer theory is more liberational than heterosexual writing on s and m, but when it comes to life, I really hope het people can find a way to do D/s and s and m in a liberated way. I am hetero and want to believe it is possible! Also I think it is different when one is single. How do you ensure someone is politically sound when you don't know them well? It can make casual play a bit of a minefield.
ReplyDeleteConsistency is overrated, particularly when it comes to sex.
ReplyDeleteAs for casual play, is it so wrong to carry a short questionnaire around in your bag, along with condoms and single-use packets of lube?
@MonMouth A questionnaire is a great idea! I wish I had thought of it sooner: might have saved me some unnecessary grief. Goes off to write questionnaire.
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